First, We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. 😂
I appreciate you hanging in there for the launch. That group is something I am very passionate about, and we did very well last week. :-)
On Being Used
In a video I posted (watch here) , I talked about my last relationship. I told it the way I remembered it, which by all accounts was truthful. But it was a 60 second video about accountability and why I stayed, and I left out some important details. Not the least of which is that she was not the only one at fault.
And my part in it was massive.
I had lied. I had cheated. I was manipulative. And I had relapsed to the point that I kept quitting and failing, over and over again. None of this happened because I was abused as a kid. I was. None of this happened because I had been bullied. I was. None of this happened because I had serious trauma. I did. It happened because I was trying to avoid legitimate suffering. I was too much of a coward to face my own shit. In a nutshell.
At the time I had no idea how badly we were using one another, because like most addicted people pleaser types, I was focused entirely on myself. I would lament how I was being taken advantage of. I would lament the emotional whiplash I was experiencing. I would not stand up for myself, and I would let everything slide. And that too was not her fault.
As much as I felt she was using me, I was using her. I was terrified to be alone, terrified to be abandoned, terrified of what others might think, so I clung to her and she to me. Through the constant issues we remained steadfast. Not because the relationship was healthy, but because the two of us were not, and neither of us wanted to face the reality of our own growth and our own defects of character.
When she wrote me yesterday and illuminated her feelings on that video, I realized it needed more context. Not because I am a "great guy," but because she is the furthest thing from a monster and that needs to be said. The video was not an adequate portrayal of that time in our lives. There was love, there was fun, there were good times, and yet it was still deeply unhealthy for both of us.
When you feel you are being taken advantage of and you stay, you are also taking advantage of the other party. The goals of that advantage may vary, but you are getting something from that relationship that you are unwilling to let go of. The transaction is never one sided. Whether you are keeping them around to be your comfort blanket, your arm candy, your reason for living, or even just to stave off loneliness it is the same kind of payment.
Her note yesterday, and I hope my response to it, brought to light how much the two of us have grown. We are very different people now. Stronger, independent, and healthy. I was a little jumpy when I got it, but subsequently apologized for my part and all the ways (there were many) that I had hurt her. And here before you now, I want to say that there is only one way to be the person you want to be. Honesty.
I will never regret that relationship. I will cherish the lessons, and the times we had, as long as I live. But the most important thing I learned is this. If you feel resentful, that is a you problem. And until you recognize your piece of that resentment, you will never be free.
A Task For You: Look at the people in your life where you see resentment growing, and ask: What is my contribution to this, and what am I gaining from allowing this? If you are honest, you will likely not enjoy that answer. But the answer will set you free.
Nick Pollard is an executive coach, author, and community leader who helps people put personal growth into action. He has helped thousands of men and women through his courses and community, and privately coached many more on how to build lives they actually want to live.
He is also available for speaking engagements. If you would like to learn more about private coaching or booking Nick to speak, reply to any of my emails. And if you want to get to work in the group where people are growing through action, click here.